Member-only story
Having Constant Low-Level Anxiety Is Exhausting
It’s hard to embrace returning to ‘normal’ when everything feels even harder
A few months ago, from a safe distance, I took my mask off in front of a colleague I hadn’t seen for over a year. I watched as their eyes searched my face and eventually landed on the mass of acne covering my chin and cheeks.
I immediately wanted to put the mask back on to cover myself up and hide away in that small moment. Even though I know they weren’t judging me, I felt the doubt start to creep in.
As I went about my day, I couldn’t stop thinking about my skin and how others might perceive me if they saw me without a mask on. Every time I saw a colleague from that point on, the mask stayed firmly on and only came off if I was eating or drinking.
This is just one example of low level, beneath the surface anxiety I feel daily. After spending a year not having to deal with it — it’s now biting back with a brutal force. Every day there’s something that almost cripples me. Part of me does wonder if it’s all creeping up to a breaking point.
On the surface, it’s probably not noticeable. But these small incidents are starting to add up. My sleep is irregular if I get any, and I can’t get through a whole day worry-free. There’s always something.
Anxiety is debilitating at the worst of times, and there are so many different forms. For me, these sudden bad spells verging on panic attacks happen fairly infrequently, but it’s the low-level constant anxiety I’m talking about here.
It’s like a background noise you can’t switch off. On the good days, you can drown it out with distractions. On the bad days, it becomes too much to bear.
Lockdowns were a breathing space for my mental health
During the first few months of lockdown back in March and April 2020, I was bathing in the glory of being able to live life on my own terms and not having to conform to any expectations. I didn’t have to make small talk, pretend to be happy and upbeat all the time, or accommodate any socialising into my life. For many of us introverts, lockdowns were a kind of bliss.
